Hope

This month I discovered a new feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time - hope. The dark gloomy days and nights of January were even more oppressive than before and I found myself wanting to push so much harder to get myself out of the new year fog. This month I can safely say I faced my fears and stepped up to even bigger challenges than I could have imagined I would last year. December was so crazy busy that I had to take a massive step back and start to wonder what I was going to do with all this extra time that January brings with its emptiness and glaring loneliness. Would I put it to good use? Maybe I would.

Feeling the pressure to keep myself busy during the cold, useless days, I had to quickly think what it was I wanted to do. What did I need to do? I needed to make changes. Slowly and surely, I remembered how it felt to relax and to make time for myself for once. Putting the last memories of Christmas and 2016 behind me, I decluttered both my physical space and my mental space and focused on my wellbeing. I went outside more. I drank even more water. I reconnected with old friends. I even made new friends. So many steps in the right direction. Could I find my destination? Maybe I could.

But then there came changes. Little changes. I was less tired, less stressed, less bored, less lonely. And there was more energy to keep going and keep thinking about what I wanted and what I really needed. I needed to get rid of the negative energy and surround myself with the positive. And I needed to do it quick. Should I let the negativity be washed away forever? Maybe I should.

All of these changes were so minute that I hardly noticed them at first. I wouldn't have noticed them at all if I hadn't caught sight of my smile one day and realised that I felt lighter somehow. It was like the cloud that had lifted from above my head, or the air was suddenly less foggy around me. So I held onto the fact that I really could make changes by just thinking differently. And I definitely will.

The idea of change really is simple. You have to believe you can do it. You have to tell yourself every day and relish every single accomplishment. For me, it's trying to be a part of the world again. Trying to connect with people and most of all, trying to connect with myself. Positivity is more attainable now than ever before and I will keep moving forwards until I reach that light at the end of the tunnel, that glistening, gleaming, glowing beautiful light that's been hiding away from me for so long. Let's make every minute count this year. I hope I can. I know I can.