I've been to dark places
Full of twisted faces
I've been to dark places too.
I've seen some sad eyes
Full of surprise
And a bullet through the sky
I've seen some sad eyes too.
I've had a black heart
From the start
It played a part
In my life
I've had a black heart too.
I've watched the end
Draw nearer and nearer
So close I could touch it
Too close for comfort
I could even smell it
I've watched the end too.
I've heard the music playing
The people saying
I'm not good enough
I'm not great
I'll never be ok
I've heard it all
I've heard the music playing too.
I sang the saddest song
The tune was off
The melody wrong
The notes were flat
The pitch was altered
The sound was bad
The key was changed
I sang the saddest song too.
I've been to dark places
Full of twisted faces
I've been to dark places too.
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
25
Dear 25 year old me,
Well done. You're a quarter of a century. You think you're really old now but you're not. You're going to make more mistakes and it's going to be hard. You're going to fall down but keep picking yourself back up every single time. You're going to hurt. You're going to cry. You're going to lose people and lose yourself along the way. Don't worry though. You'll find you again. You'll think you're alone constantly but you're never really alone. There's always someone who thinks of you and likes you for you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.
Things will happen in your life that make you happy and things will happen that make you sad and that's just how it's going to be. You can't change your past but you can do something about your future. You'll worry too much. You'll worry so much that you can't stand it and you can't sleep at night because you don't really want to wake up. But you're not afraid. You're stronger than you think. You're a fighter and you keep going because you have to and you know it. You keep going because that's all you can do.
You'll see eventually what you have to do. You have to change because it's the only way out of your own mess. It's the only way forwards. You'll be happier soon and you'll be happy because you want to be, not because someone has told you to be or because you need to be. You'll do it for you and it will feel so good. It's going to be ok because you tell yourself every day that you're going to be and you'll learn to love yourself even though you can't possibly think about that now. You know everything has a funny way of working itself out sometimes.
Every day you'll learn something new and you'll want to keep learning and keep knowing things about yourself that you didn't know before. You're amazing because nobody else is like you. Remember that. Remember you are you and you're always going to be you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.
Well done. You're a quarter of a century. You think you're really old now but you're not. You're going to make more mistakes and it's going to be hard. You're going to fall down but keep picking yourself back up every single time. You're going to hurt. You're going to cry. You're going to lose people and lose yourself along the way. Don't worry though. You'll find you again. You'll think you're alone constantly but you're never really alone. There's always someone who thinks of you and likes you for you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.
Things will happen in your life that make you happy and things will happen that make you sad and that's just how it's going to be. You can't change your past but you can do something about your future. You'll worry too much. You'll worry so much that you can't stand it and you can't sleep at night because you don't really want to wake up. But you're not afraid. You're stronger than you think. You're a fighter and you keep going because you have to and you know it. You keep going because that's all you can do.
You'll see eventually what you have to do. You have to change because it's the only way out of your own mess. It's the only way forwards. You'll be happier soon and you'll be happy because you want to be, not because someone has told you to be or because you need to be. You'll do it for you and it will feel so good. It's going to be ok because you tell yourself every day that you're going to be and you'll learn to love yourself even though you can't possibly think about that now. You know everything has a funny way of working itself out sometimes.
Every day you'll learn something new and you'll want to keep learning and keep knowing things about yourself that you didn't know before. You're amazing because nobody else is like you. Remember that. Remember you are you and you're always going to be you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.
Saturday, 18 February 2017
You could
You could keep your eyes open for one second longer and watch as the world keeps spinning. You'll never know how it feels to be me. On the inside and on the outside. Quiet, content, calming thoughts paralysed with adrenaline rushes of gold and silver. The lights blinking so fast in the corner of the room. And the stars fading all at once. And then it hits you and you're falling, falling from the darkness into the light. As fast as the speed of sound. But then suddenly you're floating and everything falls into place around you. And it's all warm. It's golden and warm and soft. It's nice.
You could stop breathing for a minute and your body would still be trembling with fear and anticipation at the sound of your own loud thoughts and the disaster that is your own strange and wonderful life. You could listen to the air around you and take in the distant hum of the night, and the faint light of morning. It would all be there tomorrow. It was made for yesterday but here it is again today. In your view. In your head and your mind. It's all the same as it was before but somehow, just somehow, it's different. And it's amazing.
You could hold on for a little while longer as you stare into the distance and wonder if you could live forever, chasing death but needing eternity. Craving the endless supply of love and power and hope from the broken world. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months you could wave them all away with just your own smile and catch the star and chase the dream. Wouldn't it be great to see clearly through the distant fog and the rain and the clouded, misty streets of your old town? Wouldn't it be nice to be home again. And free.
You could stay here forever and live under the shadows of the past or you could step into the memories of your years and embrace the sun. The sun, warm and tragic but bold and bright. The sun who holds the key to everything and the sun who listens to your prayers and your wishes. But the moon takes hold of them for longer and feels like an old friend. The moon who is always there. The moon secretly watching and guiding you and never for a minute judging you. The moon who is here. And you are here. You could be here and also nowhere. You could be here and also somewhere. You could be everywhere. Or you could just be.
You could stop breathing for a minute and your body would still be trembling with fear and anticipation at the sound of your own loud thoughts and the disaster that is your own strange and wonderful life. You could listen to the air around you and take in the distant hum of the night, and the faint light of morning. It would all be there tomorrow. It was made for yesterday but here it is again today. In your view. In your head and your mind. It's all the same as it was before but somehow, just somehow, it's different. And it's amazing.
You could hold on for a little while longer as you stare into the distance and wonder if you could live forever, chasing death but needing eternity. Craving the endless supply of love and power and hope from the broken world. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months you could wave them all away with just your own smile and catch the star and chase the dream. Wouldn't it be great to see clearly through the distant fog and the rain and the clouded, misty streets of your old town? Wouldn't it be nice to be home again. And free.
You could stay here forever and live under the shadows of the past or you could step into the memories of your years and embrace the sun. The sun, warm and tragic but bold and bright. The sun who holds the key to everything and the sun who listens to your prayers and your wishes. But the moon takes hold of them for longer and feels like an old friend. The moon who is always there. The moon secretly watching and guiding you and never for a minute judging you. The moon who is here. And you are here. You could be here and also nowhere. You could be here and also somewhere. You could be everywhere. Or you could just be.
Tuesday, 24 January 2017
Hope
This month I discovered a new feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time - hope. The dark gloomy days and nights of January were even more oppressive than before and I found myself wanting to push so much harder to get myself out of the new year fog. This month I can safely say I faced my fears and stepped up to even bigger challenges than I could have imagined I would last year. December was so crazy busy that I had to take a massive step back and start to wonder what I was going to do with all this extra time that January brings with its emptiness and glaring loneliness. Would I put it to good use? Maybe I would.
Feeling the pressure to keep myself busy during the cold, useless days, I had to quickly think what it was I wanted to do. What did I need to do? I needed to make changes. Slowly and surely, I remembered how it felt to relax and to make time for myself for once. Putting the last memories of Christmas and 2016 behind me, I decluttered both my physical space and my mental space and focused on my wellbeing. I went outside more. I drank even more water. I reconnected with old friends. I even made new friends. So many steps in the right direction. Could I find my destination? Maybe I could.
But then there came changes. Little changes. I was less tired, less stressed, less bored, less lonely. And there was more energy to keep going and keep thinking about what I wanted and what I really needed. I needed to get rid of the negative energy and surround myself with the positive. And I needed to do it quick. Should I let the negativity be washed away forever? Maybe I should.
All of these changes were so minute that I hardly noticed them at first. I wouldn't have noticed them at all if I hadn't caught sight of my smile one day and realised that I felt lighter somehow. It was like the cloud that had lifted from above my head, or the air was suddenly less foggy around me. So I held onto the fact that I really could make changes by just thinking differently. And I definitely will.
The idea of change really is simple. You have to believe you can do it. You have to tell yourself every day and relish every single accomplishment. For me, it's trying to be a part of the world again. Trying to connect with people and most of all, trying to connect with myself. Positivity is more attainable now than ever before and I will keep moving forwards until I reach that light at the end of the tunnel, that glistening, gleaming, glowing beautiful light that's been hiding away from me for so long. Let's make every minute count this year. I hope I can. I know I can.
Feeling the pressure to keep myself busy during the cold, useless days, I had to quickly think what it was I wanted to do. What did I need to do? I needed to make changes. Slowly and surely, I remembered how it felt to relax and to make time for myself for once. Putting the last memories of Christmas and 2016 behind me, I decluttered both my physical space and my mental space and focused on my wellbeing. I went outside more. I drank even more water. I reconnected with old friends. I even made new friends. So many steps in the right direction. Could I find my destination? Maybe I could.
But then there came changes. Little changes. I was less tired, less stressed, less bored, less lonely. And there was more energy to keep going and keep thinking about what I wanted and what I really needed. I needed to get rid of the negative energy and surround myself with the positive. And I needed to do it quick. Should I let the negativity be washed away forever? Maybe I should.
All of these changes were so minute that I hardly noticed them at first. I wouldn't have noticed them at all if I hadn't caught sight of my smile one day and realised that I felt lighter somehow. It was like the cloud that had lifted from above my head, or the air was suddenly less foggy around me. So I held onto the fact that I really could make changes by just thinking differently. And I definitely will.
The idea of change really is simple. You have to believe you can do it. You have to tell yourself every day and relish every single accomplishment. For me, it's trying to be a part of the world again. Trying to connect with people and most of all, trying to connect with myself. Positivity is more attainable now than ever before and I will keep moving forwards until I reach that light at the end of the tunnel, that glistening, gleaming, glowing beautiful light that's been hiding away from me for so long. Let's make every minute count this year. I hope I can. I know I can.
Sunday, 8 January 2017
2016 part 2
Following on from my last post, here is a list of everything good that I did last year:
(including all my competition wins)
Stayed in the Wizard Chambers (Harry Potter themed hotel in London)
Went to some TV recordings
Celebrated the Theatre Cafe's birthday and watched Carrie Hope Fletcher perform
Went to see Alexander Armstrong in concert
Went to Friday night is Shakespeare night at the Hackney Empire
Performed for the Womens Institute birthday
Went to see the BBC concert orchestra at Watford Colosseum
Sang at Watford Colossseum
Celebrated my friend Hanah's birthday
Got to see the second half of Pirates of Penznce
Went to see Michael McIntyre at London Palladium
Went to a screening of Flowers at channel 4 with Olivia Coleman (& cocktails!)
Went to see Collabro at Royal Albert Hall
Recorded some more of my CD
Spent a night in a casino in Brighton with free food and cocktails (& bets)
Sang as a soloist in a few concerts with the Welwyn Garden City male voice choir
Sang in Hertford to celebrate St George's Day
Sang at Adrie & Stan's wedding
Sang at a few gigs in Hitchin
Helped my dad audition and get into the choir
Sang for a charity tea at Tewin
Went to see Sunny Afternoon (Kinks musical)
Sang at a concert in Fryerning
Got to see a preview of Me Before You
Went to the film premiere of Nice Guys and walked red carpet with Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe
Stayed in a seafront hotel in Aldeburgh
Performed at the Letchworth food & drink festival
Went on holiday to Norfolk and stayed on a houseboat
Had free food & drink at a London food festival
Voted
Sang for patients at Lister hospital
Sang at family friend's funeral
Went to see Aladdin with Lily
Had a free haircut in Brighton
Went to an amazing BBQ with the choir at Martin's house
Read Carrie's book and went to get it signed by her
Saw the Chase with Bradley Walsh
Had a picnic at the Battle Proms in Hatfield House
Did lots of busking, especially over spring & summer
Met FleurdeForce in Selfridge's for her book signing
Went to see Gareth Malone recording The Choir in Westminster Central Hall
Sang at an exhibition for The Spice Girls
Had a photoshoot in London
Celebrated my birthday at Lathe Barn with afternoon tea
Celebrated my birthday again in London with dinner and cocktails
Sang at Westfield
Went to see Singing in the Rain
Sang at Hertford Music Festival
Went to see a screening of Julieta at Southbank, London with cocktails and goodybag
Went to see Carmen
Went to a private screening of Suicide Squad with drinks, popcorn and goodybags
Took my friend Charlotte to see Charlie and the Chocolate Facory
Had a Willy Wonka themed afternoon tea at Down Hall with Charlotte
Went to Burnley to celebrate Dad's 70th birthday with family
Went to see Cursed Child
Sang at John Gibbs' 60th birthday party
Went to see The Play That Goes Wrong
Had lunch with my best friend I hadn't seen for 2 years
Won tickets to Joe & Casper Hit The Road USA but donated them
Went to see Fantastic Beasts at the cinema
Sang at a Christmas Lights switch on
Went to a BBC service at St Martins in the Field
Saw the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree lights being switched on
Went to a Christmas dinner with the choir at Mayflower Place
Celebrated Mum's birthday with Christmas afternoon tea at Down Hall
I took part in a pantomime
Went to see If She Loves Me with Lily at Menier Chocolate Factory
Recorded some of Rod's songs
Sang O Holy Night with the choir
Helped to raise money for Guide Dogs singing Christmas carols in Sainsbury's
Made a few new friends
Went out for Christmas Day lunch
Celebrated New Year's Eve with a quiz night and dinner
(including all my competition wins)
Stayed in the Wizard Chambers (Harry Potter themed hotel in London)
Went to some TV recordings
Celebrated the Theatre Cafe's birthday and watched Carrie Hope Fletcher perform
Went to see Alexander Armstrong in concert
Went to Friday night is Shakespeare night at the Hackney Empire
Performed for the Womens Institute birthday
Went to see the BBC concert orchestra at Watford Colosseum
Sang at Watford Colossseum
Celebrated my friend Hanah's birthday
Got to see the second half of Pirates of Penznce
Went to see Michael McIntyre at London Palladium
Went to a screening of Flowers at channel 4 with Olivia Coleman (& cocktails!)
Went to see Collabro at Royal Albert Hall
Recorded some more of my CD
Spent a night in a casino in Brighton with free food and cocktails (& bets)
Sang as a soloist in a few concerts with the Welwyn Garden City male voice choir
Sang in Hertford to celebrate St George's Day
Sang at Adrie & Stan's wedding
Sang at a few gigs in Hitchin
Helped my dad audition and get into the choir
Sang for a charity tea at Tewin
Went to see Sunny Afternoon (Kinks musical)
Sang at a concert in Fryerning
Got to see a preview of Me Before You
Went to the film premiere of Nice Guys and walked red carpet with Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe
Stayed in a seafront hotel in Aldeburgh
Performed at the Letchworth food & drink festival
Went on holiday to Norfolk and stayed on a houseboat
Had free food & drink at a London food festival
Voted
Sang for patients at Lister hospital
Sang at family friend's funeral
Went to see Aladdin with Lily
Had a free haircut in Brighton
Went to an amazing BBQ with the choir at Martin's house
Read Carrie's book and went to get it signed by her
Saw the Chase with Bradley Walsh
Had a picnic at the Battle Proms in Hatfield House
Did lots of busking, especially over spring & summer
Met FleurdeForce in Selfridge's for her book signing
Went to see Gareth Malone recording The Choir in Westminster Central Hall
Sang at an exhibition for The Spice Girls
Had a photoshoot in London
Celebrated my birthday at Lathe Barn with afternoon tea
Celebrated my birthday again in London with dinner and cocktails
Sang at Westfield
Went to see Singing in the Rain
Sang at Hertford Music Festival
Went to see a screening of Julieta at Southbank, London with cocktails and goodybag
Went to see Carmen
Went to a private screening of Suicide Squad with drinks, popcorn and goodybags
Took my friend Charlotte to see Charlie and the Chocolate Facory
Had a Willy Wonka themed afternoon tea at Down Hall with Charlotte
Went to Burnley to celebrate Dad's 70th birthday with family
Went to see Cursed Child
Sang at John Gibbs' 60th birthday party
Went to see The Play That Goes Wrong
Had lunch with my best friend I hadn't seen for 2 years
Won tickets to Joe & Casper Hit The Road USA but donated them
Went to see Fantastic Beasts at the cinema
Sang at a Christmas Lights switch on
Went to a BBC service at St Martins in the Field
Saw the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree lights being switched on
Went to a Christmas dinner with the choir at Mayflower Place
Celebrated Mum's birthday with Christmas afternoon tea at Down Hall
I took part in a pantomime
Went to see If She Loves Me with Lily at Menier Chocolate Factory
Recorded some of Rod's songs
Sang O Holy Night with the choir
Helped to raise money for Guide Dogs singing Christmas carols in Sainsbury's
Made a few new friends
Went out for Christmas Day lunch
Celebrated New Year's Eve with a quiz night and dinner
2016
Last year was yet another experience for me. One more chapter in this story we call life. I can't say that it wasn't a struggle. It was a challenge and I did the best I could. I went with it taking every day as it came and tried to remain positive throughout. Every year I analyse the last one, thinking of the good and the bad, and trying to work out if I changed or not. I think in 2016 I did change in a lot of ways. I think I began to see the world in a different light. I'd like to say that I grew up and I became more mature but I'm not sure I did. I think I grew out of things and I grew out of people and places and memories but did I change as a person? I hope not.
I would normally do a yearly review on my YouTube channel but since I don't make videos any more, that didn't seem fitting. Instead, I will do one here. It will be a memory and a keepsake of the journey that was 2016. Last year I faced several challenges and I faced up to some of my fears. I stood up to my friends and stood up for what I believed in. I think I became stronger towards the end of the year and perhaps more resilient. I took the new sorting quiz on Pottermore and got sorted into Gryffindor. Baffled at first, how I could go from being a loyal, patient and kind Hufflepuff, to a bold, fearless and courageous Gryffindor. But it made sense after a while. I'd changed over the last five years. I had become more open, more self assured, and more confident as a person. Maybe I had become ultimately more brave. So there you have it - I'll admit there's some Gryffindor in me. It's the house I always wanted to belong in. And I had to work through things in order to deserve to belong in it. The thing is, I'll never let go of being a Hufflepuff because I now know a Hufflepuff is who I'll always want to be.
Moving on from Harry Potter, I want to remember 2016 as a whole. I want to remember the kindness of my friends and family, and the warmth of strangers. I want to take pride in everything that I achieved and everything I accomplished. I don't want to put myself down for not making bigger changes or not moving far enough in the direction I thought I'd move in, because quite honestly, every step was worthwhile and like I always say, everything happens for a reason. And so the biggest thing I'll take from last year is the decision to respect myself. Not love myself, but respect myself. Because I matter. In this world, I matter and I'll never stop telling myself that.
I would normally do a yearly review on my YouTube channel but since I don't make videos any more, that didn't seem fitting. Instead, I will do one here. It will be a memory and a keepsake of the journey that was 2016. Last year I faced several challenges and I faced up to some of my fears. I stood up to my friends and stood up for what I believed in. I think I became stronger towards the end of the year and perhaps more resilient. I took the new sorting quiz on Pottermore and got sorted into Gryffindor. Baffled at first, how I could go from being a loyal, patient and kind Hufflepuff, to a bold, fearless and courageous Gryffindor. But it made sense after a while. I'd changed over the last five years. I had become more open, more self assured, and more confident as a person. Maybe I had become ultimately more brave. So there you have it - I'll admit there's some Gryffindor in me. It's the house I always wanted to belong in. And I had to work through things in order to deserve to belong in it. The thing is, I'll never let go of being a Hufflepuff because I now know a Hufflepuff is who I'll always want to be.
Moving on from Harry Potter, I want to remember 2016 as a whole. I want to remember the kindness of my friends and family, and the warmth of strangers. I want to take pride in everything that I achieved and everything I accomplished. I don't want to put myself down for not making bigger changes or not moving far enough in the direction I thought I'd move in, because quite honestly, every step was worthwhile and like I always say, everything happens for a reason. And so the biggest thing I'll take from last year is the decision to respect myself. Not love myself, but respect myself. Because I matter. In this world, I matter and I'll never stop telling myself that.
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