SAD

Here's the thing about depression: it's not much fun. I can't tell you that everybody's experience is the same, I can only tell you mine. I was diagnosed with mild depression when I was at university. It was pretty clear to most people who knew me that something was seriously wrong, and I needed some help. I had already started to push people away from me, and I was flailing around in the dark all by myself. I was too ashamed to talk to people about it and I didn't want to. I got angry, I lashed out at people who I cared about the most and to be honest, I was not a nice person. But I was scared and I was lonely and I didn't know what to do.

Counselling didn't help in the slightest. They made me feel embarrassed, awkward and even more upset and lost than I already was. I was too scared to tell people how I really felt and I couldn't even admit it to myself how bad things actually were. Although I had been spiralling while at university, I'm pretty sure the problem had started long before that. Although no one noticed. No one cared. I didn't even know, but there was something wrong. It wasn't just feeling sad. It was like feeling sick, nervous, terrified, lonely, angry, upset, desperate and so many more emotions all at the same time. It was horrible. It still is horrible.

I never really solved the problem. I thought I had enough support to get through it on my own. But I started pushing more and more people away from me until I hit rock bottom. No one wanted to be near me, almost as if I was some ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. I don't blame them. I just wish I had been able to explain more of my feelings to them at the time. By the time I had finished university, I was feeling pretty lousy. I was in a dark place, at a dark time, not really sure who to turn to. And now I was being thrown into the outside world, head first. By the time I got my first job, things had picked up. I gained more and more confidence working with other people, learning how to develop myself as a person. I felt satisfied, almost happier. It was a complete change and I was kept busy. No time to think about anything else.

Over the years since then, things have gone up and down. I made new friends. I lost friends. I lost contact with them, we didn't have anything in common. But sometimes I even still pushed people away. The minute I started feeling low again (2009 low – I call it now) I panicked. I still didn't know how to cope with it and no one else did either. I was angry at myself and I was angry at them for not understanding. Not sticking by me through the really hard times.

Things are different now, in 2015. But things are also very much the same. Yes I am an introvert, and I am a socially awkward sort of person. I am shy, and I am not confident enough within myself to do a lot of stuff that I wish I could do. I wish I could give myself more opportunities by being strong and independent. I wish I could take care of myself more. I wish I still didn't feel like this. So lonely, so helpless.

I wish this was a post about how I had conquered my depression. How I had the answers to the problem that I have been facing for so many years. Sometimes, I have a breakthrough. I will become the confident, happy person that I know I can be. I will become the friend that won't push you away when I need you the most. But deep down, there is still something stopping me. Some monster, some ugly sinister evil thing stopping me from seeing and experiencing life in the way it should be seen and experienced. Stopping me feeling excited and motivated. Living this lacklustre life, trudging through day by day.

So maybe I won't say it out loud but I am still hurting. And I am still lost, confused and lonely a lot of the time. I often feel small and vulnerable. Unimportant. But I have a lot of love to give. Despite everything, I have a big heart. So maybe one day I will have the answers and maybe one day I will be able to squash the giant, overwhelming sadness. Until then, all I can do is keep breathing.