Here's the thing about depression: it's
not much fun. I can't tell you that everybody's experience is the
same, I can only tell you mine. I was diagnosed with mild depression
when I was at university. It was pretty clear to most people who knew
me that something was seriously wrong, and I needed some help. I had
already started to push people away from me, and I was flailing
around in the dark all by myself. I was too ashamed to talk to people
about it and I didn't want to. I got angry, I lashed out at people
who I cared about the most and to be honest, I was not a nice person.
But I was scared and I was lonely and I didn't know what to do.
Counselling didn't help in the
slightest. They made me feel embarrassed, awkward and even more upset
and lost than I already was. I was too scared to tell people how I
really felt and I couldn't even admit it to myself how bad things
actually were. Although I had been spiralling while at university,
I'm pretty sure the problem had started long before that. Although no
one noticed. No one cared. I didn't even know, but there was
something wrong. It wasn't just feeling sad. It was like feeling
sick, nervous, terrified, lonely, angry, upset, desperate and so many
more emotions all at the same time. It was horrible. It still is
horrible.
I never really solved the problem. I
thought I had enough support to get through it on my own. But I
started pushing more and more people away from me until I hit rock
bottom. No one wanted to be near me, almost as if I was some ticking
time bomb, waiting to explode. I don't blame them. I just wish I had
been able to explain more of my feelings to them at the time. By the
time I had finished university, I was feeling pretty lousy. I was in
a dark place, at a dark time, not really sure who to turn to. And now
I was being thrown into the outside world, head first. By the time I
got my first job, things had picked up. I gained more and more
confidence working with other people, learning how to develop myself
as a person. I felt satisfied, almost happier. It was a complete
change and I was kept busy. No time to think about anything else.
Over the years since then, things have
gone up and down. I made new friends. I lost friends. I lost contact
with them, we didn't have anything in common. But sometimes I even
still pushed people away. The minute I started feeling low again
(2009 low – I call it now) I panicked. I still didn't know how to
cope with it and no one else did either. I was angry at myself and I
was angry at them for not understanding. Not sticking by me through
the really hard times.
Things are different now, in 2015. But
things are also very much the same. Yes I am an introvert, and I am a
socially awkward sort of person. I am shy, and I am not confident
enough within myself to do a lot of stuff that I wish I could do. I
wish I could give myself more opportunities by being strong and
independent. I wish I could take care of myself more. I wish I still
didn't feel like this. So lonely, so helpless.
I wish this was a post about how I had
conquered my depression. How I had the answers to the problem that I
have been facing for so many years. Sometimes, I have a breakthrough.
I will become the confident, happy person that I know I can be. I
will become the friend that won't push you away when I need you the
most. But deep down, there is still something stopping me. Some
monster, some ugly sinister evil thing stopping me from seeing and
experiencing life in the way it should be seen and experienced.
Stopping me feeling excited and motivated. Living this lacklustre
life, trudging through day by day.
So maybe I won't say it out loud but I
am still hurting. And I am still lost, confused and lonely a lot of
the time. I often feel small and vulnerable. Unimportant. But I have
a lot of love to give. Despite everything, I have a big heart. So
maybe one day I will have the answers and maybe one day I will be
able to squash the giant, overwhelming sadness. Until then, all I can
do is keep breathing.
