"I'm not that desperate"

So I've been thinking about this little story recently, and how it has affected me as a person since it happened. But I think I've only just realised the extent of how much it has affected me these past few years. Really, it was one comment a long time ago, and yet it has had a lot of impact on how I have viewed myself and thought of myself. I know that words can sting, but aren't you just supposed to just shrug it off? Aren't you supposed to just carry on and forget it ever happened? I'm not so sure.

So about 5 or 6 years ago, I had been through a breakup and I was just feeling pretty crappy about myself. I wasn't looking for anybody else, I just wanted to get over that particular time in my life. I had a group of "friends" who I really, genuinely trusted to be my friends and I really thought they were nice, kind people. But I was wrong about a lot of stuff back then. Anyway, we used to hang out, like normal people do. We all studied music, and looking back on it now, it was all just a huge messy clique anyway. Even though I wasn't at school any more, it was worse that being at school. Yeah, there was that popular group of people who you loved and hated at the same time. You wanted them to like you, respect you, but at the same time, you kept your distance. You wouldn't get too close because you were not cool, or fun to be around. You were just average. Not boring, but just, not cool enough.

And it worked. Most of the time. We'd leave them to it, and they'd leave us alone. I was never part of that group, and I was happy watching from the sidelines. I mean, I'd like to think I was genuinely in the "loser" group. I'd like to think I was in the "nerdy" group. With the unpopular kids. The rejects. Maybe I was. Or maybe I was just in that group by myself - who knows?

So my group of friends wouldn't really get invited to the cool parties or hang out with many other people outside our group. We were stuck inside our comfort zones for longer than we cared to admit. But it was fine, really. We'd have our own parties. And we'd have just as much fun - if not more. It was really a strange few years, but we were all in it together.

One time we were hanging out and then this conversation happened. I'm not sure why I suddenly thought about it after so long, but I guess it really stuck with me. I'm going to change the names, partly because of privacy, and just because it doesn't really matter who these people are any more. Let me put a bit of background into this. Most of us were single at the time. Sometimes we tried to set each other up but it never really worked because that's all it was - just friendship. Okay - on with the story. Yep this is going to be in story form because why not? Makes sense.

It was a warm, sunny day in...May. (I'm not really sure it was even sunny. Or May. Just sounded good). I was walking back from class with my friends Fiona*, Penny* and George*. Me and Fiona had thought for a long time that Penny and George would make a great couple. So we suggested it to George.

"No I don't think so." George replied, laughing it off. Penny didn't say anything. She was clearly embarrassed about it. I walked ahead with Penny as Fiona and George stayed behind, chatting. I was far in enough in front that I could continue chatting with Penny but not too far ahead that I couldn't hear the conversation behind me.

"What about Lucy?" Fiona asked George? "She's also single. You should go out with her."
My ears pricked up at this. I pretended I couldn't hear but I listened hard anyway. I heard laughter. Disgust. Disbelief. All in one laugh. And then George replied "No I'm not that desperate." More laughter. Lots of laughter. The end.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that how it went. The words may have been slightly different but you get the gist of it, I think. I don't know what I thought about it at the time. I think I just accepted it. I expected it, almost. But really, I never believed in myself the same way ever again. Was this part of the problem? Maybe so. I'm not really friendly with Fiona, Penny or George any more. It's not hard to see why. I can't even tell you what the moral of this story is. Perhaps, don't talk about me behind my back when you're literally...right behind my back. Save it for when I'm not there. I would never have wanted George to be my boyfriend anyway...

*These names were totally changed

P.S. I wonder now, if Penny felt just as insulted as me?

SAD

Here's the thing about depression: it's not much fun. I can't tell you that everybody's experience is the same, I can only tell you mine. I was diagnosed with mild depression when I was at university. It was pretty clear to most people who knew me that something was seriously wrong, and I needed some help. I had already started to push people away from me, and I was flailing around in the dark all by myself. I was too ashamed to talk to people about it and I didn't want to. I got angry, I lashed out at people who I cared about the most and to be honest, I was not a nice person. But I was scared and I was lonely and I didn't know what to do.

Counselling didn't help in the slightest. They made me feel embarrassed, awkward and even more upset and lost than I already was. I was too scared to tell people how I really felt and I couldn't even admit it to myself how bad things actually were. Although I had been spiralling while at university, I'm pretty sure the problem had started long before that. Although no one noticed. No one cared. I didn't even know, but there was something wrong. It wasn't just feeling sad. It was like feeling sick, nervous, terrified, lonely, angry, upset, desperate and so many more emotions all at the same time. It was horrible. It still is horrible.

I never really solved the problem. I thought I had enough support to get through it on my own. But I started pushing more and more people away from me until I hit rock bottom. No one wanted to be near me, almost as if I was some ticking time bomb, waiting to explode. I don't blame them. I just wish I had been able to explain more of my feelings to them at the time. By the time I had finished university, I was feeling pretty lousy. I was in a dark place, at a dark time, not really sure who to turn to. And now I was being thrown into the outside world, head first. By the time I got my first job, things had picked up. I gained more and more confidence working with other people, learning how to develop myself as a person. I felt satisfied, almost happier. It was a complete change and I was kept busy. No time to think about anything else.

Over the years since then, things have gone up and down. I made new friends. I lost friends. I lost contact with them, we didn't have anything in common. But sometimes I even still pushed people away. The minute I started feeling low again (2009 low – I call it now) I panicked. I still didn't know how to cope with it and no one else did either. I was angry at myself and I was angry at them for not understanding. Not sticking by me through the really hard times.

Things are different now, in 2015. But things are also very much the same. Yes I am an introvert, and I am a socially awkward sort of person. I am shy, and I am not confident enough within myself to do a lot of stuff that I wish I could do. I wish I could give myself more opportunities by being strong and independent. I wish I could take care of myself more. I wish I still didn't feel like this. So lonely, so helpless.

I wish this was a post about how I had conquered my depression. How I had the answers to the problem that I have been facing for so many years. Sometimes, I have a breakthrough. I will become the confident, happy person that I know I can be. I will become the friend that won't push you away when I need you the most. But deep down, there is still something stopping me. Some monster, some ugly sinister evil thing stopping me from seeing and experiencing life in the way it should be seen and experienced. Stopping me feeling excited and motivated. Living this lacklustre life, trudging through day by day.

So maybe I won't say it out loud but I am still hurting. And I am still lost, confused and lonely a lot of the time. I often feel small and vulnerable. Unimportant. But I have a lot of love to give. Despite everything, I have a big heart. So maybe one day I will have the answers and maybe one day I will be able to squash the giant, overwhelming sadness. Until then, all I can do is keep breathing.