There are few things that can make me genuinely happy any more. That sounds super depressing, but I'm just not the kind of person who has a permanent smile attached to her face. In fact, things quite often make me sad. And I really do mean in a sulky, moody kind of way. I try not to let it show, and over the years I've learnt to hide it fairly well. But then there are days when it's impossible. There are days when you just have to let everything come out. And I hate those days.
Once I had one of those days and I made a video about it, but it was just awkward to watch it back to be honest, and I really hope no one else had the uncomfortable experience of watching it like I did. I don't sit around and wallow in self pity every single minute of the day, but sometimes I get bitter about things more often than I should. The worst thing is, I can easily keep it bottled up inside of me until I get more and more angry and the bitterness turns into hatred. Hatred of myself and sometimes even others.
Having recently written a short novel, I was able to pour some of myself into my writing and I found it an extremely useful task for letting my imagination run free and losing myself in the vault of words and pictures in my own head. I was free for that short amount of time, free to express myself in a way where I could cleverly hide it underneath someone else's story. But it's been over a week now since I stopped writing, and maybe I should have just carried on. Because when I'm writing, I'm not thinking about me so much, and I can be someone else.
This year, especially the last half of it, has been a complete turnaround for me in many ways. I've met new people, and tried new things that I never in a million years thought I would ever try. I have been happy this year and I've been lucky and just more myself than I've been for a while. Things really changed for me in the summer when I started busking and found a way to express the best part of me, quickly and easily, and in the best possible way. I was really throwing myself out there, right into the deep end. But it was the best decision I have ever made in my life and I'll never look back on it. The experience was just for me, at first. The money is nice but the people are even nicer, and the lovely comments they give me every single time I go out and do it is the best reward yet. People come to me with their stories and thank me! They go out of their way and chase me down the streets to make sure they can give me their money. Every single penny is valuable to me, because it means I am finally doing something right, after all this time.
Sure, people may judge me, but they never tell me if they do. They keep it to themselves and they can think whatever they like. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. When I first started, I wasn't even sure how you could draw the line between 'busking' and 'begging' but I very quickly learned that there is a huge difference. The buskers I have met so far have inspired me so much with their confidence, persistence and outstanding talent and we're all finding our place in the world, just like everyone else. Busking is a job: I'm providing a service. I'm performing and if people don't like it, they don't have to give me any money. But if they do, they will. And it's not about how much money they give you, it's about how much they appreciate it.
It's an odd thing, being so exposed in the middle of the street. I'm not sure how other buskers deal with it, but the attention is quite strange. Because of my personality, I tend to zone out a little bit while I'm singing and then genuinely get quite startled to find people staring or looking over at me. I almost forget that I am singing and not just walking along with everyone else. The strangest part is that I'm not at all an attention seeker, so I've never had the bags of confidence like other performers. But the words of encouragement and the smiles on the people's faces as they walk past is enough for me.
So why, you ask, am I at all sad? After everything that's been going right in my life, then surely I should be more grateful, more positive. Well, maybe so. But nothing's ever easy. I'll tell you this now: I never want to be famous. Fame isn't for me at all. I'm a shy person by nature, and I really wouldn't adjust to the pressure associated with being famous. But I do want to be successful and happy. And perhaps those two things come as a package deal for me. Busking has been a huge step in the right direction to me, but there's still a long way to go. There's still huge tasks and objects in my way. And then there's the people who aren't so willing to help me out.
But most of all, it's the support that I lack the most. My family is pretty small and really just consists of my parents, aside from various uncles/aunts/cousins who live quite far away. So my parents come to every performance, every event and they're absolutely my biggest supporters. They're the people who believe in me the most, and the people who gave up everything so I could follow my dreams. And I never tell them but I couldn't have done any of this without them. But really the problem is the friends I've lost along the way. I couldn't even tell you why, but for some reason, this hurts me the most. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of people who believe in me and give me hope and support all the time, but all it takes is for that one person who I trusted so long, to finally turn their back on me forever.
I don't know if it's about the busking or something else. Maybe they just got fed up with me, or decided that they don't share my taste in music. I don't know what it is, but that's the missing ingredient. And it shows every time when I turn up to something, with everyone else surrounded by friends, but me feeling very much on my own. Of course, my parents are there, but then they always are. They always have been. So I try not to let it get to me, or make me feel more miserable, and I try to hold my head up high. Because I know I can still do it without them there anyway.
So I'll keep trying, and I'll work harder than ever to make it somewhere, anywhere. But if one day, I do become even more successful, then I can only say that it will be entirely for me. And also for the people out on the streets who loved me first, who knew me first, who gave me their hearts and hugged me and told me to keep going and then cried when I sang their favourite songs...
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