Busking/The sadness

There are few things that can make me genuinely happy any more. That sounds super depressing, but I'm just not the kind of person who has a permanent smile attached to her face. In fact, things quite often make me sad. And I really do mean in a sulky, moody kind of way. I try not to let it show, and over the years I've learnt to hide it fairly well. But then there are days when it's impossible. There are days when you just have to let everything come out. And I hate those days.

Once I had one of those days and I made a video about it, but it was just awkward to watch it back to be honest, and I really hope no one else had the uncomfortable experience of watching it like I did. I don't sit around and wallow in self pity every single minute of the day, but sometimes I get bitter about things more often than I should. The worst thing is, I can easily keep it bottled up inside of me until I get more and more angry and the bitterness turns into hatred. Hatred of myself and sometimes even others.

Having recently written a short novel, I was able to pour some of myself into my writing and I found it an extremely useful task for letting my imagination run free and losing myself in the vault of words and pictures in my own head. I was free for that short amount of time, free to express myself in a way where I could cleverly hide it underneath someone else's story. But it's been over a week now since I stopped writing, and maybe I should have just carried on. Because when I'm writing, I'm not thinking about me so much, and I can be someone else.

This year, especially the last half of it, has been a complete turnaround for me in many ways. I've met new people, and tried new things that I never in a million years thought I would ever try. I have been happy this year and I've been lucky and just more myself than I've been for a while. Things really changed for me in the summer when I started busking and found a way to express the best part of me, quickly and easily, and in the best possible way. I was really throwing myself out there, right into the deep end. But it was the best decision I have ever made in my life and I'll never look back on it. The experience was just for me, at first. The money is nice but the people are even nicer, and the lovely comments they give me every single time I go out and do it is the best reward yet. People come to me with their stories and thank me! They go out of their way and chase me down the streets to make sure they can give me their money. Every single penny is valuable to me, because it means I am finally doing something right, after all this time.

Sure, people may judge me, but they never tell me if they do. They keep it to themselves and they can think whatever they like. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. When I first started, I wasn't even sure how you could draw the line between 'busking' and 'begging' but I very quickly learned that there is a huge difference. The buskers I have met so far have inspired me so much with their confidence, persistence and outstanding talent and we're all finding our place in the world, just like everyone else. Busking is a job: I'm providing a service. I'm performing and if people don't like it, they don't have to give me any money. But if they do, they will. And it's not about how much money they give you, it's about how much they appreciate it.

It's an odd thing, being so exposed in the middle of the street. I'm not sure how other buskers deal with it, but the attention is quite strange. Because of my personality, I tend to zone out a little bit while I'm singing and then genuinely get quite startled to find people staring or looking over at me. I almost forget that I am singing and not just walking along with everyone else. The strangest part is that I'm not at all an attention seeker, so I've never had the bags of confidence like other performers. But the words of encouragement and the smiles on the people's faces as they walk past is enough for me.

So why, you ask, am I at all sad? After everything that's been going right in my life, then surely I should be more grateful, more positive. Well, maybe so. But nothing's ever easy. I'll tell you this now: I never want to be famous. Fame isn't for me at all. I'm a shy person by nature, and I really wouldn't adjust to the pressure associated with being famous. But I do want to be successful and happy. And perhaps those two things come as a package deal for me. Busking has been a huge step in the right direction to me, but there's still a long way to go. There's still huge tasks and objects in my way. And then there's the people who aren't so willing to help me out.

But most of all, it's the support that I lack the most. My family is pretty small and really just consists of my parents, aside from various uncles/aunts/cousins who live quite far away. So my parents come to every performance, every event and they're absolutely my biggest supporters. They're the people who believe in me the most, and the people who gave up everything so I could follow my dreams. And I never tell them but I couldn't have done any of this without them. But really the problem is the friends I've lost along the way. I couldn't even tell you why, but for some reason, this hurts me the most. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of people who believe in me and give me hope and support all the time, but all it takes is for that one person who I trusted so long, to finally turn their back on me forever.

I don't know if it's about the busking or something else. Maybe they just got fed up with me, or decided that they don't share my taste in music. I don't know what it is, but that's the missing ingredient. And it shows every time when I turn up to something, with everyone else surrounded by friends, but me feeling very much on my own. Of course, my parents are there, but then they always are. They always have been. So I try not to let it get to me, or make me feel more miserable, and I try to hold my head up high. Because I know I can still do it without them there anyway.

So I'll keep trying, and I'll work harder than ever to make it somewhere, anywhere. But if one day, I do become even more successful, then I can only say that it will be entirely for me. And also for the people out on the streets who loved me first, who knew me first, who gave me their hearts and hugged me and told me to keep going and then cried when I sang their favourite songs...

MUSE

There are several life changing moments you know you are going to remember for a long time. One of them, was seeing MUSE live last night. Now let me explain a little bit. I'm a musician so of course I love music. I don't have a lot of favourite bands or artists, I usually just fall in love with particular songs, regardless of who sings them. Saying that, of course there are some musicians who I like a lot more than others and have listened to a lot over the years. One of those is MUSE. Without sounding cheesy, MUSE have been there for me through a lot. Their music has got me through some of the best and some of the worst times of my life, and I could argue through the most formative years of my life.

Gigging was not a thing I did, growing up. As a trained classical musician, I actually didn't listen to huge amounts of popular music and didn't follow trends which even now I am hugely proud of. In my teenage years, I knew what other people my age were listening to and I made up my own mind about certain rivalries between "rock" and "rap". Those are obviously just two stereotypes but I did lean more towards the rock songs, and the indie rock artists. Sooner or later, around 15/16 years old maybe, I found MUSE through another of my friends. This girl had been a fan for a few years now and I had maybe heard a couple of their songs but didn't know a lot about them. I remember buying a second hand copy of Absolution from e-Bay and quickly falling in love with it. I also remember several week long summer holidays in Devon playing that album fall blast on my then well-loved mp3 player. The songs I loved most of all from that album were Blackout and Falling Away With You, perhaps the least "rock" of them all. Anyway, to this day those songs remind me strongly of hot sunny days in the Devon countryside, not too far from the band's Cornwall based origins.

Skip ahead a year or so within my teenage era, and I am still listening to Absolution but now the songs have a new meaning for me. I start getting interested in the opposite sex and now the moody, emo-y teenager comes out of me and starts to find meaning in the twisted lyrics and meaning of the songs. Not to mention the brooding musicality of the whole thing. Having been informed by the original MUSE lover friend that Matthew Bellamy was in fact a classically trained musician, this excited me even more and connected me even deeper to the music. I remember listening to these songs while going through that terrible lovesick phase and mooning over a lost love I never really had. But that's another story.

Around that time, I went to my first actual gig. It was The Flaming Lips who are another band close to my heart and I managed to get a bargain on a pair of seats in a box at the Royal Albert Hall! My best friend came with me who had heard a few of their songs and we both had the best time ever. She warned me though that any gig I ever went to in the future would not live up to that, as it was truly mind-blowing. Having been to several more gigs, concerts and festivals, I can verify this fact. The Flaming Lips are epic live and it's pretty much like going to a huge party.

It was not long after this that I started my first year of university and so began another important chapter of my life. I met a guy and fell in love and Black Holes and Revelations was actually a Christmas present that year from him so again I connected to those songs emotionally in a way that I hadn't with anything else before. Starlight and Invincible are my two favourite tracks from that album and always remind me of that bittersweet time of my life. At university I had another MUSE loving friend and she then introduced me to the old albums and songs from them that I hadn't even heard before. She also suggested Radiohead and I also quickly fell in love with their songs too, as I realised they had a similar style and had obviously influenced MUSE in many ways.

The end of my university career came around and then The Resistance came out and I quickly bought it, listened to it and loved it. Guiding Light is probably my favourite song from that one. So then finally The Second Law was released and they went on tour and I planned to buy tickets but failed as I had a lack of money at the time which is pretty much the story of my life. But then by some pure miracle I managed to get tickets to Horse Guards Parade on Sunday 2nd June and the best thing about it - it was FREE! Arranged by none other than Brad Pitt himself, who briefly made an appearance at the show, it was really to promote the World War Z movie which he actually stars in and directed! Busy guy, that Brad Pitt. I was super excited about the whole event and it really was incredible. It was so worth standing for 3 and a half hours, and there is a reason why these guys are so popular. They are just amazing. Matt is such a rockstar and sings his little heart out and the lighting, the visuals, the effects - they were incredible. I did think back to my first gig at the Royal Albert Hall and I couldn't choose between them now. Obviously it was a shorter set as it was a free event so they were on for about 40 minutes, but I enjoyed every minute and the atmosphere of just being there was like nothing else. I could harp on about it for longer but if you've seen them live, you will know what I mean. And if you haven't, then you haven't lived. I urge you to go see them as you won't regret it. I am not going to think twice about seeing them in the future, obviously depending on my financial situation.

So to wrap it all up, I pretty much had one of the best nights of my life. Reminiscent sometimes of being at a Harry Potter premiere due to the standing, the build up and the atmosphere, it was an unforgettable experience. It made me realise how lucky I was to live so close to London so that I can go to events like this and how grateful I am for stuff that is free. And as I stood there and sang along happily to every song I smiled at all the memories that came with them, the good ones and the bad ones. Thanks MUSE for an incredible time and for being so talented. Thanks for creating such powerful and emotional songs that will stay with me forever. Thanks for getting me through it all. Thank you <3