25

Dear 25 year old me,

Well done. You're a quarter of a century. You think you're really old now but you're not. You're going to make more mistakes and it's going to be hard. You're going to fall down but keep picking yourself back up every single time. You're going to hurt. You're going to cry. You're going to lose people and lose yourself along the way. Don't worry though. You'll find you again. You'll think you're alone constantly but you're never really alone. There's always someone who thinks of you and likes you for you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.

Things will happen in your life that make you happy and things will happen that make you sad and that's just how it's going to be. You can't change your past but you can do something about your future. You'll worry too much. You'll worry so much that you can't stand it and you can't sleep at night because you don't really want to wake up. But you're not afraid. You're stronger than you think. You're a fighter and you keep going because you have to and you know it. You keep going because that's all you can do.

You'll see eventually what you have to do. You have to change because it's the only way out of your own mess. It's the only way forwards. You'll be happier soon and you'll be happy because you want to be, not because someone has told you to be or because you need to be. You'll do it for you and it will feel so good. It's going to be ok because you tell yourself every day that you're going to be and you'll learn to love yourself even though you can't possibly think about that now. You know everything has a funny way of working itself out sometimes.

Every day you'll learn something new and you'll want to keep learning and keep knowing things about yourself that you didn't know before. You're amazing because nobody else is like you. Remember that. Remember you are you and you're always going to be you. You can be you. You're allowed to be.

You could

You could keep your eyes open for one second longer and watch as the world keeps spinning. You'll never know how it feels to be me. On the inside and on the outside. Quiet, content, calming thoughts paralysed with adrenaline rushes of gold and silver. The lights blinking so fast in the corner of the room. And the stars fading all at once. And then it hits you and you're falling, falling from the darkness into the light. As fast as the speed of sound. But then suddenly you're floating and everything falls into place around you. And it's all warm. It's golden and warm and soft. It's nice.

You could stop breathing for a minute and your body would still be trembling with fear and anticipation at the sound of your own loud thoughts and the disaster that is your own strange and wonderful life. You could listen to the air around you and take in the distant hum of the night, and the faint light of morning. It would all be there tomorrow. It was made for yesterday but here it is again today. In your view. In your head and your mind. It's all the same as it was before but somehow, just somehow, it's different. And it's amazing.

You could hold on for a little while longer as you stare into the distance and wonder if you could live forever, chasing death but needing eternity. Craving the endless supply of love and power and hope from the broken world. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months you could wave them all away with just your own smile and catch the star and chase the dream. Wouldn't it be great to see clearly through the distant fog and the rain and the clouded, misty streets of your old town? Wouldn't it be nice to be home again. And free.

You could stay here forever and live under the shadows of the past or you could step into the memories of your years and embrace the sun. The sun, warm and tragic but bold and bright. The sun who holds the key to everything and the sun who listens to your prayers and your wishes. But the moon takes hold of them for longer and feels like an old friend. The moon who is always there. The moon secretly watching and guiding you and never for a minute judging you. The moon who is here. And you are here. You could be here and also nowhere. You could be here and also somewhere. You could be everywhere. Or you could just be.